A Burst of Sunshine, A Bit of Rain

1:13PM

i have a new journal now....jessie_face

Current mood: annoyed

10:46AM - haha...i tree fell on samford!

usually that would make me very sad....but Andrew is safe at home.
But....i do hate boys!! Please tell me why they have to be so stubborn...and just so stupid! Boys need some sort of obedience training; actually, it doesn't even need to be obedience training really, just some sort of training in general! I hate boys!!!!! They are soooo dumb!

Sorry, i really needed to get that off my chest. And actually, i don't hate all boys, there are some that i adore dearly. However, those boys i probably do not know as well as i do this one particular male, and i'm sure if i did, you would get on my nerves too =)I'm just kidding. But please, can we all just grow up a little?

Current mood: VERY frustrated

2:21PM - purple lobster

Went to church this morning, good to be back. Sunday school was ummmmm.....what is a nice way to say not good? But bro. gary's message was very good, gave me some good quie-time material! That always makes me happy!

Lots to do.....but i like it that way. Just cleaned, and looked at my rehearsal schedule. Lets just say that I will be living in the theatre! Heehee....i feel like i have drinken mucho cups of coffee....but i have not...i love life. Have to go write a speech on elvis impersonators now (and i am totally serious). Fun-ness!!

Current mood: energetic

11:55PM - moment of silence.....

And now:
Today was a great day!!

A. Woke up at 7 to go to Chik-fil-A and then surprised Andrew by taking him breakfast. We walked around Samford and talked for about an hour...so much fun!!! I like grass.

B. Went out with my cousins and mom all day, and that was fun just because we ate good food, had good conversation, and i love them all! Oh, and we played with super cute puppies!

C. Went out to a movie (Vanity Fair) and dinner with Andrew. Came back here and hung out. He fell asleep while i was reading to him, it was sooo cute! So then he went home cause he was sleepy and sick. I don't know how to explain it...he makes me happy, and i really like him. We're gonna keep him around ;)

D. Went to Sonic and then back to the Harwoods with the girls. It was a blast!! I love my girls!!! Not even kidding, the biggest blessing in my life is that, even if we don't always talk all the time, or see each other all the time, and sometimes if it feels like we are drifting apart, we still always have eachother...somehow. I am just very thankful for my friends. I am sorry I am not always the best one...but i do love you girls bunches and bunches!!!

I'm feeling very at peace with the world...haha, that could be because the sleeping midicine is kicking in. Either way, I wish people were happy. It's hard when they are not and you don't know how to make them.

Best thing I heard all day: "You went to college and your face got hard."--thank you for that heather, that very close to made my day =)

Current mood: jubilant

3:57PM - pms = pretty mean seniorita

Stayed home from school today. I hate being a girl sometimes (sorry to all you boys who are reading this, but its the truth).

A certain someone said that i make my life sound horrible, and that every time i talk to him about my life, i sound miserable. I don't mean to do that, but i guess i kind of do. So i am going to try to stop doing that, and from now on i am going to try very hard to be optimistic and look for blessings!

I read through the Samford handbook today. I absolutely love it!! And i found all these fun clubs i want to join. I wonder if i can just major in extracurricular activities?

Current mood: lethargic

5:14PM - my last one didn't have a subject, and that makes me sad

i love my family, but they drive me crazy!!!! once again, yet another incentive for college.

you know what i don't love? being told you are in charge of a skit the day before it is supposed to be performed! i have no idea what i am going to do! stress!!! ahhh!!

Current mood: annoyed

12:54PM

We are sitting in yearbook....fun stuff. Some girl started talking about how she thought yearbook would be an easy class blah blah blah, and i went off on her. It's funny how defensive we get.

Went to Alabama this weekend. I am still in love with Samford, and will probably still go there, but I really do like Bama. And it was sooooo fun getting to see Amy and Alicia, and meeting all of there friends. People probably get sick of me saying this, but i don't care: I CAN'T WAIT FOR COLLEGE!!!! (my conscience is telling me to go to alabama...really my conscience sounds like satan, but it is heather and holly) (and oh yeah, holly wants me to tell you i went to Bama with the coolest people ever!!!--holly, heather, and natalie n.)

Hmmm....even though I haven't updated in awhile, I am already out of things to say, that's unusual.

P.S. I started keeping a journal that you write in for my deeper/crazier thoughts so that the whole world will not have to deal with that. Therefore, these should be much happier, and much more shallow. =)

Current mood: happy

10:46PM - warning: all about him

I am worried about him. I don't want him to hate his college experience, and he already does a little. I wish he could just embrace it and seize it as an opportunity to grow. It's hard, I want him here with me but I have to make him go back to campus because I know that is what is best for him. I know things will work out, I just hope he will realize that too.

Have you ever had so many thoughts going through your head at once that it gave the illusion your mind was silent. And with that, I'm going bed time!

Current mood: loved

4:42PM - just breathe

Sometimes he makes me so angry...but that is ok! I am really trying to be understanding, really. But if he keeps this up....oh, i don't even want to think about it.  I hate high school.

Play rehearsals started today (6:30 am, how fun!) I am sooo ready to get back into the theatre thing, if nothing else because it occupies my time =) It really is fun though, and this one will be even more fun because there is dancing!!!!

I was rushed to the emergency room saturday nite, that was fun in a very not really kind of way. I'm ok though, no worries. Missed out on John Mayer and Maroon 5 (sad faces).

I could say a lot more. But, I have to go do a resume so that I can get into college. I am almost giddy i am so thrilled about going!! Just the word college makes me want to pee on something i am so excited!

Current mood: angry

7:14PM - 50 minutes.....=)

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'Till i can call my darling. He moved into Samford today

Current mood: amused

6:35PM - sometimes the media does good things......

Napoleon Dynamite has forever changed my life...for the better. Jessi Hawkins keeps my world in balance and I love her for it. Thank you.

Good news: Andrew and I are not breaking up; not that anyone knew we were on the edge. He didn't know we were either for that matter. Either way, it's all good now. Relief and smiles. Yaaay!

I have tonsil removal surgery scheduled October 19th. I am scared, I realize it is just tonsils, but the doctor said at my age the procedure becomes difficult. How exciting.

Life is not always good, it is not always happy, but it is still always life, and I should be thankful for every breath God gives me regardless of my circumstances. And I am, even if it may not seem like it. Frustration and questions are just the first steps to real faith, and that makes me happy =)

Final Thought: "My lips hurt real bad."--Napoleon Dynamite

Current mood: quixotic-it sounded fun

10:38AM - only half way done.....

I skipped church this morning. I don't care how many people condemn me to hell for it (and i am sure they will) because it was definitely worth it. I did my own bible study on prayer. Here are some of the things I learned:

• We sin against God when we choose not to pray for others (1 Samuel 12:23)
• Prayer serves as a power source for ourselves (Matthew 26:41)
• Our prayers are powerful and effective when they are said in faith and when we are walking in righteousness. An effective prayer life is only possible if we keep in step with God's Spirit. (Romans 8:26-27, James 5:13-16)
• Though praying in the spirit is crucial, we must also take our thoughts captive and pray with our minds. God did not give us minds to be idle with them, but to use them (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
• Our prayers must always be asked in accordance with God's will. (1 John 5:14-15)

This still does not answer my question of why God says He will give us certain things and then does not. But I think I am starting to understand a little more. It seems many times we should pray out of obedience if nothing else. It also seems that maybe my prayers aren't powerful and effective because I am not truly walking with God. Why isn't church ever this enlightening?

Current mood: accomplished

12:42AM - the band aid company should consider manufacturing magical world-sizes that made it a better place

I miss holly and heater: girls, next week, like, tuesday or thursday night we are getting together. I don't care what we do....I might be a little partial to crying, or hitting things, or what not. But i miss you terribly and know that even if it doesn't seem like it you and your family are in my thoughts constantly!!

Ok sorry for those of you to whom the above messge did not apply.

I wish I could see into the future and figure out if Andrew and I were going to last, because if we're not, i'm not sure i'm prepared for heart break.

Funniest Part of My Day:
"I've gotta stop opening my mouth and letting things just roll of my tongue into the floor. I'm way to old for that."
                         ---Jessica Ashley Hawkins (you rock my world darling)

Current mood: icky and uncomfortable

11:15AM - i don't always know that honesty is the best policy

But that's ok....I am about to be really honest for a minute here.

First off, I miss megan, and I am anxious about hearing Mrs. Wilson's results. And did i mention that I really miss meg?

Second, I don't know that I can pray for ashley to get better. Before molly died, while they were trying to do CPR, I fell to my knees and begged that God would not take her. In the bible it tells us we can ask for anything in His name and it will be granted to us. Umm, is it just me or does that seem like a big fat lie? Because God did take molly....so I don't understand how people can keep telling me to pray for a miracle, pray that ashley will live, because I don't know that our prayers really even matter. Just a thought.....

I know that sounds really bad. I still believe in God, and I still love Him. I even still trust Him. But I really don't understand why His word would tell me one thing and not really mean it. And what scares me is if i am feeling this way, there are probably other people feeling that way too.  I know I won't fall away from Him because of this, but other people will. That terrifies me. Why would God do this?

Current mood: restless

8:16PM - deep...territory i should not venture into but i am gonna try it anyway

Isn't it strange how two people, or maybe several people can be thinking the same thing, and yet nothing changes? That may not make since, but I don't think i really care to explain right now. Hmmmm.....

And along those same lines, why can't someone believe a person when they tell them something, what will it take to trust?

Current mood: thoughtful

4:03PM - i am going to surround myself with stupid people in order to provide myself with some quality laughs

Would you like to know what scares me? On the bottom of my easy-mac pack is says:

                                      CAUTION
     BOWL AND MACARONI WILL BE VERY HOT

Do you know what that says to me? It says that at some point, some very smart person (ha) came along and thought to themselves "hmmmm...perhaps after putting this heat-conducting bowl into a condensed oven I will touch it and it will feel like ice. Wait, it probably will not. Perhaps then,  we should put a warning label so people who are not as intelligent as me will not burn themselves." Oh, its things like this that sometimes make life worth smiling about!

You know what is also more than smile-worthy? Mrs. Wilson's surgery went well today!! For those of you who don't know, Mrs. Wilson is my very close friend's mom, and she has breast cancer. The doctors told her "everyone has to die sometime, make sure your kids know you love them." But today they removed what they think was all of it! God is great!!!! For those of you who believe in the power of prayer, keep praying for Meg and her family, they still have a tough battle ahead! But God is faithful, and Mrs.  Wilson has the most amazing spirit about the whole situation, she is an awesome woman of God and she completely blows me away! 

Well, that is all for now, I am going to go work on notecards!

Current mood: cheerful

9:07PM - my foot itches

Ouch, i hate itching. I went to the doctor today because I am sick, but they wouldn't do anything because I am going to a specialist in 2 weeks to hopefully schedule tonsil removing surgery. So i am currently in pain, but they gave me pain medicine, so I am also currently a little bit high, lol.

No school today, due to the illnesses. It was fun, just lounged around. And I hung out with my mommy a lot tonite, that was fun!!

My brother is getting married in the morning! That is so weird! I am kind of excited though becaue I LOVE weddings, they are pretty. But yeah, I can't think about it because it is soo weird, and not a very good thing. I hope that I can live up to the standards....oh wait, there aren't any! I just hope I can make arlie proud ya know? He deserves atleast one good kid.

Tomorrow should be good though, if for no other reason because I get to see Andrew finally. This college thing is gonna be rough....I am sooooo pathetic..but atleast I know it right? =)

Current mood: artistic

8:11PM - sometimes medication is a good thing

So i realize the past few entries have been a little, shall we say, scary. Two reasons:

1. I usually only write when I am upset
2. I haven't been taking my medicine to make me not crazy.

It's weird. I mean, my quiet times and my prayer life are going really well, so you think that would be enough for me to be ok right? And it is enough for me to be ok for and around everyone else, I just really don't like me very much.  I wonder when I will just accept the fact the God loves me, so it's ok for me to love myself. Maybe one day the chemicals in my brain will balance out and I can believe that....I know this all sounds crazy, but I don't really care.

School is good. This seems like the longest week in the world, but other than that, i actually like school!! Dare i say parts of it are even fun? And the best part is I have teachers who actually like me this year...which always makes life easier!

I decided to be in theatre again, atleast for the first play or two. Especially because the first play has dancing, and lately all i have wanted to do is dance.

I am so excited about college! I mean, senior year is cool and all, but things are just so different than they used to be that i don't know if it will be as awesome as i had hoped. But college is always exciting! I pull out the Samford manual and read them almost every night. I'm a dork =)

I guess I better go finish notecards! Woo-hoo!

Current mood: sore but happy

5:45PM - what is wrong with me?!?

Why does it feel like i can't breathe? And like I can't open my mouth for fear the tears will consume the words. Why can i not be alone and be ok. For the love of all that is holy and good in this world, this has to stop, because if it goes for one more day, maybe even one more hour i don't know what i will do.

Current mood: scared

8:54PM - waiting....

I have decided just to be still.  Because you know what? Life does suck, and no one does care. But there is not very much that I can do about it, the only thing I can do is to be still...and know that God is God...He's in control, somehow. And sometimes it has to hurt on the inside, because that's what makes us rely on Him more. So I can hurt, and I can survive just hurting...because HE hurt so much more, and he did it all for my sake.

Today was the first day of school...the last first day of highschool. It is soooo weird being the oldest, I found myself looking for all of last year's seniors. Wow....has it hit anyone else as hard as it has hit me that we are seniors??!?! For once, I think I just might be so shocked in my life I actually have nothing to say on the subject.

Current mood: complacent